Suffering in Silence: The Battle from Within

This title makes me chuckle to myself a bit because the reality is that silence is something those of us struggling with depression and anxiety, especially when in its depths, try hard to avoid.  Sometimes it is not an entirely conscious choice, but more force of habit.  The reality is, if there is music, television, or even just the collection of background noises from a coffee shop it is harder for the intrusive, destructive thoughts to get in.

I chose the “battle from within” title rather than “attacked from within” mainly because it sounded better to my ear, but reality is most of the time it does feel like being attacked by an invisible, relentless foe.  Frankly, I would much rather deal with a physical enemy I can see rather than the constant running dialogue in my head.

Unfortunately, this battle can also come with, and often does, physical pain to match the mental and emotional.  It often feels like being stabbed in the gut, but from the inside, punched in the stomach, and left with a tingle of uneasiness throughout one’s entire body.

One reality of all of this is what is sometimes referred to as the five-hundred-pound phone.  This reference is most often used in “the rooms,” from various twelve-step programs, but I can tell you with certainty that the phone gets far heavier when thinking about reaching out because the anxiety and/or depression have taken hold again!!  “I don’t want to talk to anybody,” “I don’t want to bug anybody,” “he/she won’t understand,” “it doesn’t help anyway, what can they do?”  There are many more from the infinite loop tape that plays in our heads, and to an extent I guess they are true in that reaching out doesn’t, can’t, take the illness or its effects away, however, truly suffering all of this in complete silence simply cannot be the answer.

One other cruel/ironic facet of all of this, and there are a number of advertisements for mental health medications on TV that speak to this, is that many, if not most, people that deal with these issues day in and day out have become experts, academy award-worthy, at “putting on a ‘brave’ face,” and/or pretending all is “fine.”  Freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional (FINE).  I can’t take credit for that one, I stole it from the most recent version of the Italian Job with Mark Wahlberg, a great movie by the way.  But it is true that most of the time those around us can’t tell there is anything wrong and then we go back to our homes, hotel rooms, cars in some cases, and are immediately overcome by the tidal wave once again.  It is emotional.  It is physical.  It is debilitating at times.

I wish I had the answer to all of this, that I could give those who suffer the “silver bullet,” the “magic potion,” and of course, if I could do so, I would give myself some at the same time.  I know that for some there are medications that can help and if that is the case that is great.  For some, the meds don’t work, or the side effects aren’t worth the incremental gains.  But, I do know that reaching out, sharing how we are feeling, and at least letting people in our lives know not everything is “gravy,” helps lift the weight, even if only slightly.

What I would say, and have said before, while I am writing this again in the hopes that it helps at least one person out there, for those of you that don’t necessarily deal with this directly yourself, if you know anyone anywhere that does “suffer in silence,” don’t let them.  Reach out, let those that you care about know that you are available and willing to talk, to listen, that you want them to reach out when they are down, when the phone feels heaviest, because the alternative is simply not acceptable.  

It is funny because as I have been writing about all of this the past several months, I have been using the hashtag “dontsufferinsilence” on purpose hoping that it might catch on and that people would notice.  I guess tonight I figured it would be better to be more explicit in my message.

If you are someone who suffers, please DO NOT suffer in silence, as much as you may want to, and if you are someone with someone in your life who struggles, or that you suspect may be struggling, reach out, check on them, don’t let them suffer in silence, or in their version of not silent but alone.

Thank you for listening and for helping in whatever way you can!!