Imposter

I have been thinking about, hearing about, and talking about this thing called the "imposter syndrome" for some time now. Ironically, this all started shortly after I took the photo above while traveling through Sedona, Arizona on my way back to Boise from visiting my family in the spring of '21. This phenomenon has been accompanied by another unique to me feeling, suffocating, debilitating at times, anxiety.

I have no way of knowing if this was triggered by my trip home and seeing my elderly parents both battling their own minds, one was in the late stages of Alzheimer's and the other in the beginning, or perhaps middle, stages of dementia, or if it was a result of yet another significant blow to my head that occurred shortly after I got home that summer when I landed on the back of my head on my concrete patio.  Perhaps it was somehow related to some other post-COVID issues I have been having throughout this same period, or simply the result of some questionable medication decisions by my doctors during the same period.  Most likely, it is the result of some combination of all of the above.  Regardless, the reality is that I simply have not been the same person the past two years.

At this point, the why simply does not matter. The reason I am writing this is on the off chance that someone may read this who is having the same, or similar, feelings, and perhaps what is written may help in some way.

I have never really thought about, spoken about, or sought help for, mental illness before, and definitely not to this degree. Thoughts and feelings, stress and anxiety, were not spoken about in my family growing up, or at least not with me. I was to show up at the job site, or football practice, or games and simply be tough and perform. Some in my family loved the expression "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps." I never liked that phrase or found it particularly helpful, but as the years have moved on I have come to absolutely despise the phrase and to see how incredibly hurtful phrases such as that, thinking such as that, was and is!! In the past two years, more so this year, if I see things on LinkedIn or other platforms that speak to mental health in a helpful manner I always try to share them so others may benefit, and if I see things posted that are not helpful, or worse, hurtful, such as "happiness is a choice," I have tried to make it a habit of sharing those and comment on the damage such thinking can cause.

Happiness is not a choice, and these feelings cannot simply be willed away, trust me I have been trying to will them away for two years now, day in and day out.  Making this whole thing even more puzzling, frustrating, annoying, baffling, is when I am reminded of what I was like before this all happened.

To illustrate just how different things are now versus prior to the COVID days, I want to share just one example from my previous life.  When I was still with Accenture, I had flown back to Chicago on a Thursday afternoon from a client location, and as we were approaching O’Hare, I looked down at a golf course along Lake Shore Drive that was literally across Lake Shore from my apartment and decided to go play as soon as I landed.  For some reason I had left my cell phone on after we teed off, not sure why because I literally never did this, but for some reason, it was on.  The phone rang while we were in the second fairway.  I can picture exactly where I was standing in the fairway when it started to ring.  I answered it quickly, mainly to get it to stop making noise, and it was a dude with an incredibly thick British accent.  So much so that it was hard to understand everything he was saying.  He was telling me that he was running a project at Frito Lay Europe and that we, Accenture, were at risk of losing the gig because the apparent parade of Supply Chain folks we had put in front of the client had not done the job to the satisfaction of the client.  He asked if I would be willing to meet with the client on Monday in Theale, England and I said I would.  This is basically the point; in the Accenture days I said yes to most anything and everything because to me at that point in my life hopping on a plane to fly across the “pond” to have a conversation with someone about Supply Chain was easy.  I flew over on Sunday, met with the client on the Frito Lay campus on Monday, strolling around their campus chatting with the client’s project lead for about three hours.  I couldn’t tell you at this point exactly what we discussed, just that he was far more interested in getting to know me than he was in learning about my Supply Chain knowledge.  After the meeting I was asked to stay for the rest of the week so we could begin to look at what they needed from a Supply Chain standpoint and by the end of the week I was asked if I would be willing to run the Supply Chain piece of this project going forward.  Translation, would I be willing to move to Europe for the next three to four months, and to do so by the following Monday.  My answer was of course, yes, and it did not take any time to answer.  I flew back to Chicago, put everything I owned in storage, and was back in Theale the following Monday to kick off a renewed Supply Chain project with Frito.  At this point in my life, none of this seemed like a big deal to me, and in fact, this turned out to be a year overseas working with all the PepsiCo Europe brands and living in Theale, Bern, and Zurich.

I tell you the above story, and there are plenty of other similar stories, to illustrate how much this current form of mental illness, primarily the Imposter Syndrome, and the resulting depression and anxiety that comes with it, have changed me and my life.  I keep getting asked to get back into the consulting world, to sit on panels, to interview for one thing or another, and I have been saying yes as much as I can, but the shear fear, doubt, crushing weight that comes with it is both nearly impossible to truly explain, and incredibly difficult for me to accept and manage!!

I am not sure which is more prevalent, the imposter feelings or the anxiety?? I know they are directly linked to one another, and I know I can't simply will them away. This conundrum is intriguing to me because I can literally see and feel it as if I am having out-of-body experiences. I have been fortunate of late, this year especially, to have several occasions where I have been asked to share something that in theory I know a lot about. I say "in theory" because that is how it feels these days, before, after, and even during conversations where I am taking part as an expert. I have sat in on a review panel for master's presentations, I have participated in calls with clients where I am there to educate their executives, and I have had occasions to speak with C-Suite folks to offer my opinion and guidance and each time I have to overcome anxiety of such weight it feels as if I have an anvil on my chest thus making it extremely difficult to breathe, move, speak, and/or focus. I also have to overcome very strange, yet very real, feelings of "Why me? Who am I to speak on this? I have forgotten anything I may have known about this and these folks are going to laugh at me."

What is really crazy (sorry maybe not the best choice of words, but also possibly strangely appropriate) is that while I am doing whatever it is I was asked to show up to do, speak, review, critique, whatever, I am aware it is me doing what was asked, and I am aware that I am saying things, asking things, that sound like I know what I am talking about. I always have this feeling of joy that slowly builds while these things are happening, and I always feel an amazing sense of enjoyment and satisfaction when I am done, but these feelings only last a few minutes or a few hours, and then I am immediately back to doubting everything about the event and my place in it. My mind starts working to convince me that any follow-up is not appropriate, warranted, or welcome, and I go back to feeling undeserving.

Here is the other side of all of this. I have continued to make myself have these conversations and to say yes to these requests and invites. I ALWAYS make myself follow up immediately after the events while I am still in that state of believing in what I have just done. I am also being far more open, honest, and transparent with any of the folks I am working with, when appropriate, and always trying not to be too heavy with it, such that people are aware of what I am trying to manage and, in many cases, will help to alleviate some of the weight of all of this.

I am also very well aware and have had several, if not dozens of conversations around this specific point, that the "math," the logical part of my brain, can go through the lists of what I have done, what I know, the years/decades of experience in specific areas, and/or the successes I have had within these areas, and while it sometimes helps fleetingly, overall the logical, the math, cannot convince my mind that I am in fact NOT an imposter and that there is in fact not anything to be anxious about. I truly wish it could. My life would be far simpler and more enjoyable if I could simply reason, will, wish these things better, but that is simply not my reality at the moment.

Here is my reason for rambling on about all of this, please know that if any of this rings true for you you are not alone!! The reason we are hearing the term imposter syndrome spoken about and written about more of late is that there is finally enough critical mass behind the idea that it is bubbling to the surface, and mental health, in general, is finally being spoken about more openly, maybe not enough yet, and maybe not all the topics that need to be discussed, but at least there is progress!

Please let people know what you are thinking and feeling, and please be kind to yourself when you feel this way because none of this is your "fault," and none of this makes you a bad person, all of it simply means you, and I, are human!! Please just keep moving forward one little step at a time, or whatever size steps you can handle, and be well!!