It’s Not Your Fault
A thought popped into my head earlier in the week that I wanted to share. This came from a conversation with a good friend of mine who has been trying to help his brother through some troubled times. His brother is a really cool, very intelligent, and capable young man who also just happens to struggle with severe anxiety, depression, and the “occasional,” or not-so-occasional, thought of suicide. My friend and I had chatted a bit on the phone and then I was sending him some thoughts via text to share with his brother. I then shared what I think is the most important thought. It’s not his fault!! I wanted to make sure his brother heard this from someone outside his circle in his moment of suffering, and I wanted to remind my friend as well.
I called my friend back and shared this with him to share with his brother and have been ruminating on the thought as the week has progressed. This reminds me of one of the most impactful, and one of my favorite, scenes in Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams' character finally pushes through Will Hunting’s wall by repeating the phrase “it's not your fault.” This is an unmistakable truth of mental illness that I think many, if not most, people lose sight of, or perhaps simply ignore.
I know I have said it before in various ways, but it is obviously worth repeating, mental illness is not a choice!! NOBODY on this planet, or other planets for that matter, would ever choose mental illness. Nobody would ever choose depression, anxiety, or feeling like they don’t want to go on. No one would ever choose to wake up EVERY morning with a heaviness, a feeling of impending doom, of sheer fear, of “there’s no way out.” Nobody would choose for their heart to race, their body to be overcome with a cold sweat, their innards to turn to jelly, simply at the thought of leaving the house, or attending an upcoming video call, or having to make a decision on a new job, or any number of other normally simple everyday occurrences. Going to the grocery store becomes a challenge of epic proportions for a lot of people. Doing the dishes, cleaning the house, and at times simply getting out of bed.
What is funny, not funny ha ha, is that sitting here writing about this in my favorite local coffee shop, all these feelings are creeping their way in as I write. This may be sharing too much, but there is only one customer bathroom here and that also becomes a concerning consideration at times.
Here is the other truth about all of this, not unlike the Imposter Syndrome piece I wrote recently, no amount of intellect, knowledge, logic, can counteract mental illness. It is simply NOT a choice, or logical, or an affliction of the weak. And, mental illness is not my fault, my friend’s brother’s fault, or anyone’s FAULT. Mental illness is just that, an illness. Just because those around us can’t see the illness, can’t see the affliction, doesn’t mean it isn’t real, it simply means that most who struggle with mental illness do so in solitude, a quiet desperation, to steal a phrase. But unfortunately, many of us treat people with mental illness in such a manner as to make them feel as though it is their fault, as though there is something WRONG with them, and that is simply not the case.
Mental illness is NOT fun to talk about, not for those who suffer from it, and not for those around them. When we are “in” our illness it can be difficult for others to know what to say or do, and as a result many times people simply retreat, and/or ignore. This is obviously the worst possible reaction, but a very natural one. People with mental illness need support, acknowledgment, someone to make them laugh and/or to laugh with them. They need to be reminded that they are loved and that the way they are feeling is in no way their FAULT!! They need to be surrounded by people who are simply going to accept them for who they are and be supportive of their needs, acknowledging what they are going through even if we cannot see their affliction.
Many of us say “How are you” as an automatic greeting without realizing we are saying it, without necessarily meaning it, and worst of all without caring about, or sticking around for, the real answer. Please keep these things in mind and reach out to those you care about, ask if they are ok, and find a way, a gentle way, to let them know you are asking because you care and that you want to hear what they have to say, and then make sure to stick around for the conversation.
I started this with an example from a Robin Williams character and so I will end with a very relevant thought related to Robin Williams the human, not one of the many amazing characters he created. Robin Williams struggled for most of his life with mental illness and addiction, and at times spoke of these things openly, although typically speaking of his struggles with humor as was his way. Robin Williams was generally accepted as an exceptionally gifted actor, comedian, performer of incredible intellect. Robin Williams lost his battle with mental illness and in spite of the fact that he was one of the most known humans ever on the planet, most of those who knew him well, who considered him a friend, spoke after his death of not knowing just how much he was going through or how much he was suffering!! This to me is very sad and very hard to accept!!
We must do everything we can to know what those we love are truly going through and to support them in their daily battle!!
Please share this with anyone you know who may be suffering and/or anyone you know who is supporting someone who is suffering, and yes, I realize that by including both those groups I have essentially included everyone on the planet, but then again that is the point. We must talk about these far more often and far more openly if we are going to help those in need!!
